Friday, November 9, 2007

So, you kissed Jake what?!?!?

Recently, I was having a spirited debate with a friend over the movie "Some Kind of Wonderful". He said it was an example of when John Hughes really started to go south, and I got defensive--I still had misty water-colored memories of that last scene, wherein Keith gives Watts the earrings and she's crying while the awesome 80's version of "I Can't Help Falling in Love" kicks up on the soundtrack. They walk down the empty street, arm in arm, and SCENE.

This got me thinking, what do you think happened after the lights came up and those movies ended? Do you think that any of these would-be supercouples of 80's teen cinema would have lasted for five minutes after that Thompson Twins song ended? I mean, really, how many people meet THE ONE while they're still in high school? (OK, all three of you be quiet!)

So, let's take a look, shall we, at each of the seminal Hughes couples and see what might have been had there been a sequel.

Samantha Baker & Jake Ryan (Sixteen Candles): After Jake's second degree burns healed from falling face first into the lit birthday cake he leaned across to kiss Sam, the two were inseperable for the rest of the school year and summer. Then, Jake went off to the Ivy Leagues, while Sam started her junior year of high school. They tried the long distance thing for a while, but that didn't exactly work much after Jake's freshman year; you know, once he pledged a frat. So, the storybook romance ended, amidst allegations of cheating and many tears. Samantha eventually finished school and works in management at The Gap. Jake could have been on the fast track at his dad's law firm, but instead decided to build a log cabin in Wyoming, live off the land and build furniture.

Claire Standish & John Bender (The Breakfast Club): The minute he left detention that Saturday, John went to a local pawn shop and got $50 for the earring Claire gave him, and used it to buy more pot. He managed to talk her out of her cherished virginity later that night at Stubby's party (you know, he was Andy's friend whose parents were in Europe), citing it, once again, as a fabulous way to get back at her parents. He was also so smooth that he told her using a condom wouldn't work because he "couldn't feel anything". John and Claire still live in a trailer in Shermer, IL with their five delinquent children, whom John frequently burns with his cigarettes.

Andi Walsh & Blane McDonnagh (Pretty in Pink): After Andi retrieved her cute little purse from the puddle she dropped it in to kiss Blane ("That's a major appliance, that's not a name!") things went downhill quickly. You see, Andi realized that she was making out with a bug-eyed, floppy-haired tool who didn't have the balls to stand up to his parents and date someone who was--gasp!--poor. So, she went back into the prom and planted one on good old Phil "Duckie" Dale and the two made plans to move to New York after graduation. Andi now owns a successful clothing shop in Soho and Phil is an A&R rep with Sony. They have a little girl named Finola and two dogs. Blane works for his father, married some blonde with big boobs named Cookie and generally loathes himself.

Ferris Bueller & Sloane Peterson (Ferris Bueller's Day Off): Despite his legendary status in the Chicago suburbs, once Ferris got to college and was without his hot girlfriend and sidekick Cameron, he just became an average-looking smart aleck in a sweater vest. His ass-kissing schtick no longer worked on the college professors or his fellow students. And he didn't have his gullible parents to kick around either. Sloane looked in the mirror one day and realized she was way too hot for goofball Ferris and promptly moved on to the captain of the football team. He ended up playing for the New York Giants while Sloane took the New York real estate market by storm. They are happily married to this day. Ferris and Cameron attempted to parlay their fake phone calls into a comedy act, but The Jerky Boys already existed, and eventually caller ID did them in for good. The two share an apartment in L.A. and Cameron is still afraid of his father. Jeannie and the guy in the police station, on the other hand? Happily married for 15 years. She's a school psychologist and he's a drug rehab counselor.

Keith Nelson & Susan Watts (Some Kind of Wonderful): Now, see, this is the one that actually worked out! Keith went to art school (they eventually did take those earrings back so he could afford tuition) and Watts formed an all-girl band. Keith is now a renowned painter and Watts' band, Miss Amanda Jones, had three #1 singles before they broke up in 1993. She now writes poetry and is a full-time mom to their kids, Sierra and Jasper. The real Amanda Jones? Well, she ended up marrying the teacher who she sweet-talked out of making her serve her detention early in the film. They have three children.

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