"It's Gonna Be Way Ghetto!"

I don't know that I've ever heard the words above uttered on Project Runway before, but there they were. And our very buff friend Jack was right. This runway show was about the sloppiest this show's ever seen, at least to my very untrained eye.

The reason was that this challenge was even more difficult than making clothing for normal size people, as they had to do last season (Oh, Jeffery and Angela's mother, how I don't miss you!) This time around, in a first for the show, the designers had to make camera-ready menswear for one Tiki Barber, former New York Giants running back, current Today Show contributor, and his freakishly large neck and big butt. Exactly one person knew who Tiki was...any guesses? Of course, it was straight Kevin and his weird triangular facial hair. Seriously, he looks like Joey Fatone just ate Chris Kirkpatrick or something. What is the deal? But I digress. Steven has his "gay guys don't like football" quip all ready, "All I know is that football is the one time on TV where spandex is acceptable." (btw, my cousin told me she met him at a party, and he is just that sweet!)

Jack and his remarkable pecs seem to be helping everyone with patterns, which is evidently okay, since, aside from some random grousing about it by Rami, we don't hear anything on the subject later. He also carries Christian into the workroom twice--once in a messenger bag and once on his back. You think I'm kidding. They look like Kanga and Roo in the Hundred Acre Wood. I don't know.

About the only thing we hear from crazy Elisa this week is how shy she is around the hot male models, about which I am a little surprised. I'd think such a free-spirited person would be fine with half-naked men traipsing around the work room, but I may be projecting a bit. She tells us that her boyfriend is the "only male she chooses to touch." Whatever, crazy. This was a freebie and you missed out!

So, we're back to a bazillion outfits on the runway, and you'll all be bored, so let's just hit the highs and lows:

Kit, Kevin and Jack get cited as the best. I really liked Kit's navy fleece jacket (thanks for asking about the fabric, Michael Kors) with a khaki pant and checked shirt. The judges did too, but it was edged out for the win by Jack's dark pin-striped pant with a light colored pin-striped shirt. It was made well enough, but there were too many stripes for me. Kevin's outfit consisted of dark pants and vest with a purple shirt and coordinating pocket square and tie. When Heidi told him he was in, he totally thought he won when he'd basically come in third, which was funny. Hee!

Now, the bad this time was really bad. Like, I could have done better and I can barely sew a button. Sweet P made pants, a tie (her best piece) and a shirt that, as she put it, "looks like it was made by a kindergartener". The thing was huge and the collar was, as the kids might say, jacked-up. She was saved from certain elimination by Ricky's poorly constructed, boring black suit that was held together by safety pins and, worst of all, Carmen's disaster of a cropped (huh?) Members Only looking jacket and pants that were fit for, as Michael put it, "a Boogie Nights star". Oh, also, she ran out of time to make a shirt, so she draped fabric around her poor model's neck and tucked it into the jacket. Zoiks! I felt bad for her, actually. Ricky did save all his tears for the end of the episode, though, when he was spared at Carmen's expense. I can only hope, now that his hair twin is gone, Christian and his annoying pomposity and mad sewing skillz won't be long for this show. Aufwierdersen!

Nooooooooo!!!!!

I don't think I realized how much I loved Maks until I read that he might be leaving the show! Between this news and the crappy deal offered to the WGA, I don't know if I've been this dismayed heading into a weekend in recent memory. Ah well, them's the brakes.

"Where'd you two meet, an Amber Alert?"

Oh, Liz Lemon, how much more could I love you? I'm not really sure. Right off the bat she orders a meatball sub with "extra bread", and turns down offers to go out in favor of catching up on her Tivo. Sometimes I think Tina Fey really knows me.

Well, in this episode, Liz ends up dating a guy, Jamie, who is 17 years younger than her (she lies that she's 29, he that he's 25--their really 37 and 20), but so adorable that even Frank falls for him:

Frank: "I'm gay for Jamie!"
Liz: "You can't be gay for one person...unless you're a woman and you meet Ellen."

Now, Liz the "cougar" has to go out at 10 o'clock ("at night?") and Frank is buying Jamie french-cut, slim-fitting sweaters that weren't on sale or anything and making him paintings featuring rainbows, mermaid/unicorns and King Kong. I want one!

I could basically make an entire post of quotes from this episode, there were so many great ones. And I haven't even touched the Jack/Tracy plot which has Tracy coaching a little league team from Knuckle Beach, a neigborhood so tough that "orange soda is a totally acceptable substitute for breast milk!" Jack takes over to try and improve the team's performance (the kids think he's a king, btw) and subtle (well, not really) Bush bashing ensues in a way only Alec Baldwin can do it, complete with a glimpse of Jack in a General McArthur uniform.

In the end, it appears Jamie's attraction to Liz is a little, shall we say, Oedipal? Turns out Mom (whom he lives with, natch) could be Liz's double. Maybe he can take Frank up on his offer, and be "two straight guys who just wanna enjoy each others' bodies!"

Stay tuned for the Project Runway recap, coming soon!

Dancing With..Chuck!

Well, another season of Dancing With the Stars has come to a close, and the winner is...Helio!

Thankfully, it came down to Mel & Maks and Helio & Julianne, or I would have had to fast forward through even more than I did to get through a bloated finale almost as overstuffed with filler as American Idol. As it was, I skipped through every retrospective, every Dance Wars pimping, Celine Dion (twice) and several of the dancers. I was glad, though, that each of the couples got a full 90 seconds to dance a routine...unless they were Wayne or Floyd, neither of whom actually danced. (Tom called it "Chatting with the Stars". Hee!) Nice to see Albert Reed again, who was ousted WAY too early (thanks again, annoying doll lady!) and Sabrina and Mark, who rocked as per usual. Oh, and Cameron took his shirt off, which I can't complain about. Mark Cuban and Jane Seymour both still annoy the crap out of me, and Wayne scares me almost as much as Marie's god awful routine last night. I'm impressed with myself though: 2 hours of programming, done in 45 minutes.

Watching how truly all of the celebs seem to enjoy each other and how much fun this always looks like it would be, my new goal in life to get just famous enough to be on Dancing With The Stars 17: Bloggers Edition. Do you think Maks would take me?

I guess we'll come back for more in February, when I fear we may have to deal with Donny in Marie's place. Unfortunately, I'm not kidding!

Before I dug into the Dancing finale, I watched Chuck, which aired arguably it's funniest, freshest episode all season. The writing was as crisp as it's ever been and the pace was perfect. There was a perfect blend of comedy and action, as we learned how Bryce was alive, and what the hell was going on. Sort of. There's still no really good reason for Bryce to have sent Chuck the interconnect, especially if his motivation for getting him kicked out of Stanford was to save him from being recruited in the first place. But, at least we now know that Bryce was trying to do the right thing once he figured out his who the Fulcrum really were and wasn't actually rogue. Too bad the scar-guy figured out Chuck was the intersect after all. It would appear that even though Bryce is now deep undercover again, we still may see him again at anytime, which is great news.

I loved how they used Black Friday as a device for moving the spy action into the Buy More, and how the "NSA Cleaners" could fix up all the damage done by the shoot-out. Loved Sarah's struggle over the two guys (I can't blame her one iota), and how it puts Chuck right back at Stanford. Loved every word Casey uttered, and especially his little chat with Awesome, who is really very funny himself ("two words: water sports"). The little c-plot with Morgan and Anna was even cute, as was the whole "Pineapple" scene where they evacuated the store. Really, this is a great show that I enjoy as much as many of my old favorites every week.

Amazing Observations

Not enough exciting happened last night on The Amazing Race to recap, so I'll just share my quick observations on each duo still racing.

Azaria & Hendekia: Well, they've really done nothing to annoy me yet, and their racing so far has been of the highest quality. Plus they had some kick-ass dance moves last night.

Nate & Butt-Chin Jen: He's piped down a bit since they've moved to the front, of course. She's still annoying and you can tell the editors agree, as they made sure to point out that she's a former Clipper dancer as she proceeded to suck so bad at the dance challenge that she and Nate incurred a 10 minute penalty. Then she wanted A&H to let them have 1st place, since the sibs had already had it twice. Sorry, lady, show's called The Amazing Race. Moose out front shoulda told ya. Just be happy to be where you are and cram it. First place only truly matters at the finish line, so relax.

Ronald & Christina: This man is a complete goober, sorry. And she's not really much better. We've established that he's an a-hole, but she's a bit of a dork.

Kent & Vixen: If those are your real names. She's pretty awesome, I've decided, fake goth name aside. The roles are completely reversed on this team, even when she broke down in the cab to the pitstop. He just looked like she was radioactive when he was hugging her. What is his deal?

Don & Nick: I've finally figured out who Grandpa reminds me of...Rudy from the original Survivor! He's not quite as humorless and crusty, but he's totally Rudy 2.0. It's too bad there's no flamboyantly gay couple for him to cringe at on this edition! I guess they've just decided they can't top the perfection of Danny & Oswald and given up. This is my hope, anyway.

Jen & Shanna: I go back and forth on how I feel about them using the new U-turn last night, which required the team they selected, Lorena & Jason, to go back and do the other half of the detour that they'd passed on originally. However, I think they are certainly within their rights to have done so. After all, it is a race for a million bucks. It looks like there's some good drama with them next week, though!

Rachel & TK: I spent the whole episode marvelling at how tiny she is! She looks so waifish on TV, I can only imagine how small she actually is. I really like them so far, though. They have yet to lose their tempers with each other, which is impressive to me personally. They define chill. And, even though she got lost, she still rocked that Roadblock.

See ya, Lorena & Jason. You didn't have a shot in hell once it became clear there would be no airport bunching to decrease your two hour deficit. It wasn't the same once I found out you wouldn't let Rory sit under your tree at Yale anyway, Jason. Lorena, I'm thinking you need to drop this dude pretty quick since, if you stay with him, you will be cheated on early and often, if you haven't been already. Just sayin'.

It's good to be the King!

My brother-in-law, Adam, sent me this link, and while I cannot even hope to improve upon it, I thought I would post it for you all instead of sending out more emails.

Mel Brooks is a national treasure. Carry on.

Project Runway Week 2

I was trying to come up with a clever title for this post to indicate that the special celebrity guest on this episode was Sarah Jessica Parker, but this thing's super late, it's been a long weekend and I have other things to do, so there isn't one. SJP and her horse face will be joining us for the night.

Now, you might think, based on that nasty little comment, that I don't like SJP. You would be wrong--I loved her on Square Pegs, I loved her on Sex and the City and I even liked her in films like Miami Rhapsody (featuring a shirtless scene with Jeremy Piven; you can thank me later, girls) and The Family Stone. I even really dig her fashion sense (not so much Carrie Bradshaw's, but hers). It does not take away from the fact that the woman has a long face, much like Mr. Ed. She's still adorable, in her way.

Anyhoo, as you might imagine, most of the designers develop accute cases of the vapors when Ms. Thang shows up at Parsons, as most are either female or gay. (No comment from Kevin that I noted). Chris is almost as excited as Ricky, who is in tears almost immediately, and throughout most of his interviews in the episode. I suspect Ricky tears up at a good text message. He's just a trifle too sensitive. And this is from the girl who has been known to cry at dog food commercials.

This is one of the always amusing and highly stressful team challenges, so I was excited. The designers all had a dossier (it's like they're on Alias!) and 30 minutes to sketch design ideas for SJP's Bitten clothing line's Fall/Winter collection. The best part is since the mantra of this line is fashion should be afforable to everyone and thus, no piece is above $20 retail, they can spend no more than $15 in materials to produce their 2 pieces, which would not exceed $40 retail, dig? They all look horrified. I chuckle. This is primarily due to the fact that I have purchased items from this line, and a couple have certainly not been of the highest quality. I do have one skirt that will make it to next summer and I love my hooded robe...but the nightgown I bought? The strap broke for no apparent reason. Oh yeah...it's cheap.

So, all the designers get to present their ideas to SJP, and of the fourteen, she has to pick seven to be made for the runway. Then, those selected get to pick their partner in an order drawn at random. Most of the pairings were uneventful, save for two.

First, there are Steven and Marion, who are both very quiet, sweet guys. I kept thinking to myself that they are just to sweet for the dog-eat-dog world of fashion (like Kate Hudson in Almost Famous saying, "You're too sweet for rock n' roll". God, I love that movie!!). They are having both fabric issues and time issues, as far as completing the garment. More on that in a sec.

Then there are Elisa and Sweet P. You will recall that Elisa is insane. However, she is not without talent. It is her sketch that got picked of the two, and her idea is for a "polymorphic dress with a cape." Much like my new best gal Sweet P, I am not sure what polymorphic means, but I go along. I do so even when Elisa marks a spot in the fabric where she wants to cut by using spit. Yes, spit. She wants to "imbibe it with energy and essence." Oh, sweet Lord.

Oh yeah, and the hair twins, Christian and Carmen, are a team. And they're lousy with entitlement, as usual.

After getting their models thru the Tresemme hair salon, the Loreal Makeup room and using the bluefly.com accessory wall (I'm sorry, I just love how effortlessly Tim pulls off all of that product placement each week!), it's off to the runway.

Kit & Chris--They did a black top with brown knit capris. And the model has a beret on her head. Boring!

Elisa & Sweet P--The cape and blue "polymorphic" dress (which apparently means it can be worn multiple ways...wait; like Units?) are actually really cool! It's super short (very in) with bell sleeves and kind of a scarf almost wound around the neckline that's built into the dress. I know this is not proper terminology, and EJ is dissapointed. Sorry, man.

Rami & Jillian--A cinched, belted button-down top (almost like a trenchcoat) with a capri pant. Sharp.

Steve & Marion--Oh, dear. It's a sweater dress, which is totally in right now, but the fabric is, as Heidi later points out, growing as we watch. It's a dull brown color and it's got a ton of fringe along the hem with a short, rolled sleeve. It makes me want to sing "Tarzan Boy" by Baltimora. The belt they've thrown around it helps only slightly.

Victorya & Kevin--It's a cool A-line dress, which is key, since this cut flatters almost every woman's figure. It also has pockets! Over the dress is a cute little plaid vest, and there's a bow tie detail on the shoulder.

Hair Twins--An aqua knit turtleneck dress that is so snug the size zero model looks pudgy. It is topped with a black and grey striped (like, racing striped) crewneck zippered jacket. Blecch!

Ricky & Jack--A red dress with a rouched scoop neck which I think is super cute.

Who gets called out? The hair twins--yay! He's amazed to find out he's one of the lowest scores. This little pissant does not take criticism well, unless that's just his schtick, which I'm not entirely sure it isn't. He knows how to get camera time. Victorya and Kevin, which SJP especially likes since it fits in with the rest of the collection-- a key point that I don't think they all really followed, despite what their sketches may have promised, Christian! Marion and Steve (still humming over here...) and Elisa and Sweet P. It comes down to Elisa's design versus Victorya's and it's close, but Vic wins, and her outfit will be sold at Steve & Barry's nationwide as part of the Bitten collection. I'm totally going to check it out this week!

It is between Marion and Christian (who, by the way, my husband totally thought was a girl when he happened to look at the show for five seconds), the designers of the two worst outifts, as to who's leaving. And again, it's between bitchy and boring, so I knew Marion was a goner immediately. Besides, Christian has a hair twin. See ya next week!

Same as it Ever Was...Parade Observations of a Mother and Daughter

This afternoon, I got to observe my longest standing and most treasured Thanksgiving tradition. I watched the Macy's Parade, and my almost 5-year-old can finally enjoy it with me!

Some things really never change. Bands, cheerleaders and dance troupes are a parade mainstay because they provide wholesome, harmless entertainment for the whole family. I'm actually happy about this. It's nice to have something you know you can enjoy with your kids, especially on a holiday. I always appreciate how well-choreographed NBC's coverage is, even if the banter they force on the hosts is older than me. There were other things that don't seem to have changed either, which I understand and appreciate less, however. It's 2007, right? I didn't magically go back in time, did I? Because in today's parade I saw Menudo (which my daughter pronounced "disgusting!" and "gross!"), Up With People (really?), Sarah Brightman, Patti Labelle, The Care Bears, Scooby Doo, Kermit the Frog ("Miss Piggy's too mean to him!") and, of course, The Rockettes. I was sad that they didn't immediately precede Santa, however, because that used to totally be their gig! And, hey, guess what? Bob from Sesame Street is still alive! Awesome!

The people who are perched atop various floats and asked to "sing" their songs (or someone else's), need to really work on their lipsynching, because most of them sucked. Not surprisingly, the best ones were the two kids from High School Musical, Ashley Tisdale (Sharpay) butchered the 80's classic "Last Christmas" by Wham! My daughter liked her though, as she does not know any better yet. She was not happy with Corbin Bleu (Chad) however, as he had the nerve to grow some facial hair, which she said is "not allowed in pre school!" Uh-huh.  Yeah, I know they're names...leave me alone!

As usual, there were lots of Broadway numbers, which I am a total geek about. I was into the "Young Frankenstein" number, and "Xanadu", which apparently is a spoof of the movie and not a re-creation, looks really fun.  "Legally Blonde", though, looks really bad.  Like, awful. Hannah was confused as to why the leads in "Mary Poppins" didn't really looks much like Julie Andrews or Dick Van Dyke, although she just kept saying, "that's not them, Mommy!" But, here's what I really want to know: who gets to sit in those grandstand seats in front of the Macy's entrance? I hope they're family members of Macy's employees, but I fear they are not.

(Sidebar:  You can tell me every day for the next month that Nick Lachey is a "music superstar", Clash of the Choirs commercials, it doesn't mean I have to believe you.  Ever.)

Finally, there were a couple of priceless moments that were so wrong they were right in my evil little mind. First, there was a performance by some acrobats from the Big Apple Circus; you know the kind who basically use each other to balance and do tricks. Yeah, the one totally slipped and landed right on the other guy's package. The camera cut away quickly, but we all saw it. The best jokes did not belong to Matt and Al, who tried, but to Mr. Peanut, who came along in his phallic and aptly named "Nutmobile" moments later. You can't write this stuff! And the winner of the awkward lottery? Poor Jordin Sparks, the reigning American Idol, much maligned for her weight, arriving at Herald Square atop the Pillsbury float, accompanied by the doughboy himself and an assortment of dancing pastry. Now that's just mean!!

Happy Slapsgiving Everyone!

So, I'm sure you're all doing really fun family things today. We were supposed to be going to a big get-together at the grandparents with lots of kids and lots of food. But, my daughter has pneumonia, so we're eating here, just the four of us instead. Sure, we'll all pretty disappointed, but it's just a day right? And it does happen every year, so it's not so bad. We're still having pie! (mmmmm, pie...) So while both kids nap and the traditional Thanksgiving pot roast cooks in the crock pot, I have time to tell you all how great the "Slapsgiving" episode of How I Met Your Mother was on Monday!

When this ensemble is on, they are so fun to watch. The scenario here is that Marshall's slap countdown will expire at 3 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day, at which time he will be able to deliver the one slap he has left from winning his slap bet against Barney last fall. It was great watching Barney unravel from the stress of it all, and seeing Marshall delight in torturing his friend, especially when he made the string of paper turkey hands. Lily, exasperated and exhausted from hosting their first Thanksgiving as a married couple (and getting no help from anyone), became fed up with everything and, in her position as Slap Bet Commissioner, issued a moratorium on slaps for the holiday.

The tables thus turned, Barney began taunting Marshall, which, as the countdown clock ticked down to zero, caused Lily to lift the ban and Marshall, a crazed look of glee on his face, slapped Barney into next week. This was all fun to watch, and you could tell Neil Patrick Harris and Jason Segal were having a ball, especially when NPH got to say things like, "I've lost 10 pounds, my suits are wearing me!" But the capper was the song, You Just Got Slapped,a piano ballad played and sung by Jason, that could easily rival his former greatest hit, "Lady L", which is from the absolute best TV show ever, Freaks & Geeks.



The B plot of Robin and Ted not being able to be alone because it's really hard to be friends with your ex (Newsflash!) was cute if totally predictable (spoiler alert: they ended up having sex). It did have another great one-liner, though. When Ted and Robin are stuck alone making the pies (mmmm, pies) since no one else shows, Robin puts in a pecan pie, but Ted points out she's allergic and questions why it's being made. Robin tries to play it off, saying she just likes to smell it, "It's like eating with your nose!" It turns out the pie is for Robin's new boyfriend, Bob, who is 41, though, in a funny sight gag, Ted pictures him as an elderly gentleman, which makes all of Bob's lines funnier. Best example? He shows up with jello shots for Thanksgiving, saying, "We gon' get silly, bitches!"

Hope you're all having a very Happy Thanksgiving!

Kelly Taylor has Left the Building

Well, I have to admit that I got a little verklempt at the end of that DWTS results show. As soon as Marie was announced to be safe, I knew I'd either have to be sad for Jennie or royally pissed that either Helio or Mel had been robbed. Ultimately, I was sad because Jennie was sad, and I've got way to much love for her in reserve from the 90210 days to ever not feel attached to her. I know she's not in the same league as Helio or Mel, but she's a lot better than Marie and her schtick. Like I said earlier, there won't be room for anyone else when every damn Osmond fills that ballroom next week! Oh, and Florence Henderson, apparently. Why is she there every week? Anyone know? It really seems to me like people secretly hate Marie anyway. She's basically responsible for everyone's ousters since Sabrina, when it should have been her weeks ago. Lord, I am so bitter, and not the slightest bit country or rock n' roll at this point!

It was certainly nice to see Sabrina & Mark get to dance what should have been their freestyle, what with all the lifts and tricks, even if they were accompanied by that punk rawker Avril Lavigne (Sure, she has bleach blonde hair and a wedding ring the size of a dinner plate, but she's a rebel! See that pink streak and her Chuck Taylors? Ooooh! Edgy!) I think those crazy kids make a cute couple...and Sabrina looks like she's lost more weight since she was kicked off. God bless her, she looked great. Let's see Marie pull off a tenth of that difficulty in her routine next week. Not bloody likely!

I think I watched Michael Flatley dance, but when it comes to him, I can only think of Chandler Bing saying "His feet move as if independent from his body!" The guy's freaky talented, emphasis on the freaky part.

My personal pick to win: Mel and Maks. However, I think Julianne and Helio are the ones to beat because I think she's got just as big a following as he's amassed, if not bigger. Mel and Maks are much more polarizing figures. Either way, those freestyles should be fun to watch!

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy!

I know a lot of people like to hate on Kristin over at E!, but I read her spoiler chats every Tuesaday anyway. Today, she has actually proven quite useful, as she posted this link to an online auction at NBC. I need to buy actual clothes and presents for my kids this holiday season, but maybe I could buy Prince Gerhardt's flag, too! I can't really afford any of the Heroes stuff. Which guy out there is gonna buy his chick Claire's cheerleading uniform? I don't think I want to even imagine. I could go for Michael's Hawaiian shirt from "The Convention" on The Office, but I'd have to also have the "fun jeans" to really complete the ensemble.

Tuesday Morning TV Roundup

Whew! Another great Monday night of TV is in the books. I guess we better treasure these while we've got 'em, huh? Really, there are precious few left. Again, let me re-direct you to the links to read ANFTSJ's great Heroes and DWTS observations. He's much more insightful on the former and detailed on the latter. I can only hope my witty observations are up to snuff.

Let's start with Chuck. You know Zach Levi was psyched when he read this week's script! "You want me to make out with two different hot chicks in one episode? Well, I guess..." Dude, even weirdo Morgan got some in this one. And from the cutie who was in love with Nate Corddry on Studio 60, no less. I loved how she was wearing high heels with her argyle socks at the end. She's great. You have to love any show that uses a deli sandwich as a sexual metaphor and you have to love Sarah, who dealt with Chuck's co-worker Lester's awkward pick-up attempt by essentially molesting him. Oh, by the way, Bryce is ALIVE, having been cryogenically frozen this whole time! I was looking for Walt Disney and Ted Williams (or, maybe just his head) in that chamber, too. Awesome!

Heroes was great again, giving us more answers (Bob is Elle's father, Adam killed Hiro's father, Claire hates her father--wait, no she doesn't!) while nicely moving the story along. I loved when Noah made small talk about cars with West as they were waiting at the rendezvous point for Bob & Claire. And it was an interesting little wrinkle to discover that Elle's powers may be more a result of experimentation than how she was born. That really does explain how strongly Bennett feels about keeping Claire safe. But in the end, it was Claire Bear's blood that magically regenerated him after Mohinder shot him thru the horn rims. The big question now was who made that happen. I have no clue. Do you?

DWTS is getting down to the nitty gritty, and everyone really upped their game. Even Jennie got a perfect score this week for her cha-cha! And they danced to one my fave bands, Fall Out Boy, which was fun but odd. It was no shock that both Mel B. and Helio pulled two perfect 30's out. They have the most natural talent and the hottest partners. That's a good combo.

You can't swing a dead cat around that studio without hitting an Osmond at this point. I fear that if Marie's fans put her through tonight (I, for one, am over her. Sorry.) there won't be enough seats in the ballroom. While I'm impressed with how much she's done and overcome during the season (this week, her teenage son entered rehab), I just don't want her in the final. I know I'm going to hell for trashing an Osmond, but so be it!

I promised I would check out Samantha Who?...but I didn't remember to set it on the DVR last night. Luckily, they started their season late, so there's more fresh eps left once all of these are wrapped. And I still have to watch the "Slapsgiving" episode of How I Met Your Mother. I am really looking forward to it, but a girl's gotta get her beauty sleep!

This Just In: Camel Milk is Grainy!

I'm sorry, but could anything sound more disgusting? I don't think so, and now, thanks to my new buddy TK on The Amazing Race, I know that freshly squeezed camel milk is grainy. I may never get that out of my head. What else did we learn last night? The air travel that is generally worked out in the first act of each episode is rarely important this early in the season, despite what the music cues would like you to believe, as the bunching will always come into play with this many competitors. Ditto for any big dilemma that looks to do a team in if it happens right before a commercial break. Butt-Chin Jen, as I like to call her (the one with Nate), seems rather angry at everyone, not just Nate. Lorena could just as easily be named Sybil and no one would bat an eye. Girlfriend seems a wee-bit manic, but I couldn't really blame her last night. Many of you know me and you know that if I was in a high-pressure camel milking competition (if I had a nickel...) I may just freak out in a similar manner. This is one of many reasons why I watch this show instead of even think about participating. I can only imagine what a giant spazz I would look like on TV when I flipped out about being lost or, ya know, a camle kicking my bowl of warm, grainy milk. I'm only trying to learn from others what I can do to better myself. At least her boyfriend (who, to me, looks like a cross between Mark Walhberg and Freddy Rodriguez from Six Feet Under) was supportive and didn't yell at her. Points for that, Jason.

The sisters from Miami were eliminated, and I'm pleased with that. First of all, the spazzy girl pulled it together and finished the leg, which validates us spazzes everywhere, and secondly, they were just a snooze. Sure, they were cute and athletic and had cool accents when they said Spanish words, but that was about it. Next week, it looks like we might be seeing our old friend The Yield for the first time this season. I really don't like this part of the game, because it always brings out the self-righteousness in the people who get yielded, plus it's way early in the game so no real rivalries have developed yet. I hope the previews are as misleading as they usually are. All in all, a satisfying episode of Race, except for that milk.

Whaddya Know?

This would certainly fall under the "random" category as far as things I choose to blog about, but I don't care. I just wanted anyone who happens to read this to know that I have been right all of these years when I have boldly chosen (along with my darling husband) not to make my bed. I was protecting my family from the evils of dust mites. I knew being a slob would pay off somehow! Apparently, you can also stop waxing your car (I think I've done it once) and feeling guilty for not having your ventilation ducts cleaned annually. This is a good note to start the week on, dontcha think?

A Ray of Hope...

Another quick bit, but one that brightened my Saturday (along with hitting my goal at Weight Watchers, go me!), the two sides involved in the current writers' strike have agreed to sit down and talk!  Since this is my only hope of seeing another episode of The Office before I'm old and gray, I'm cautiously optimistic.  Surely, the studios have to see that the mass exodus they'll experience if this stalemate continues much longer may be irreparable.  Look how long it took baseball to restore its fan base after the '94 strike-shortened season...and many would argue they still haven't fully recovered and never will.  I know a lot more people who would be affected by a prolonged strike here, from the writers and actors to the unsung crew members and, us, the fans, who will find other things to do.  Many won't return, and the number will go up exponentially the longer this thing drags out.  What do you think?  I know, post a comment here!  

Aw, yeah...

Just wanted to share this tidbit, for anyone who might care but hasn't heard (from Media Week):

CBS Announces Big Brother 9 Casting Call: With the writers strike continuing indefinitely, CBS will begin a three week nationwide casting call for a winter edition of reality/competition Big Brother, beginning on Saturday, Nov. 17. Applications are also being accepted online at CBS.com.

Who said I'd start reading more if the writers' strike went on too long? Not if this happens!

"Ape Attack!"

I don't quite know how to say this, so I'm just going to come right out with it...30 Rock was about twice as good as The Office last night. Whew, that sort of hurt to type! I have always been a staunch Office supporter, and I still say a bad episode of this show is better than any episode of, say, According to Jim or Rules of Engagement (then again, so is a root canal), but last night was just...meh.

I know it's all about the awkwardness on this show, but I just wanted to hug poor Michael, having all of his dirty laundry aired in that deposition. I mean, reading his diary was funny, but I really felt for the guy. How is he still with Jan at this point? I'm not getting it. The B story with the ping-pong? Amusing, but nothing more. Where was Creed? My new buddy Andy? Stanley? I knew we were in trouble when I wasn't familiar with the writer for this episode. Lester who? Nice try, Les. Thanks for playin'. Next time I see his name pop up, I'll brace myself like it's an episode of Gilmore Girls written by Daniel Palladino (I'm guessing there's exactly one person who will get that).

On the opposite end of the comedy spectrum, there was 30 Rock, which had the us rolling with laughter from start to finish! Let's hit a couple highlights:

--Jack wanting his hair styled like Ronald Reagan, and learning that he gets it cut every two days.
--Tracy's "Re-run" dance (which was spot-on) functioning as both sight gag and commentary on the writers' strike.
--Liz being so torn about wanting to report the questionable behavior of her Middle Eastern neighbor, only to find out he and his cousin were trying out for "The Amazing Race".
--Tracy giving Kenneth the advice to just shout for something's he's lost until it appears, then shouting "Pants!" over and over until Griz and Dot Com show up with several pair.
--The attack referenced in this post's title that was 100% visual and absolutely hillarious.
--Tracy's trip with Jack to see his new lady friend, played by Edie Falco, at Clinton's office in Harlem. First he actually gets away with saying "Tig Old Bitties" and then he talks to a pigeon. Genius!

I love this show!!!

And We're Auf! "Project Runway"

So, it's back! One of the best hours of reality on the tube is here to save the TV season from ruin. First, let's meet the contestants:

Rami, 31, is a fairly successful designer, having made a dress Jessica Alba wore to the VMA's one year that, apparently, still gets publicity. If you say so, Rami. He seems pretty normal, though.

Chris, 44, is a costume designer who says he specializes in one-of-a-kind creations, and looks like a chubbier Nathan Lane to me.

Christian, 21, is a freelance designer. Look out--he droppin' names. He reminds me of somebody; I'll figure it out eventually.

Carmen, 37, is a former model, and also a freelance designer. She and Christian have the same hair. From the 80's.

Jillian, 26, is a cute girl (who may be kinda bitchy) and currently works at Ralph Lauren. I bet she totally knows Rachel Green!

Kit "Pistol", 26, is a stylist, who calls her name an alias. She also says "life is too short to wear a bad outfit". But apparently, a stupid alias is fine.

Kevin, 30, is a jeans designer who would very much like you to know is a heterosexual. In case you were wondering. I'm surprised he doesn't immediately start bench pressing something.

Jack, 38, is a very cute activewear designer. We learn nothing more.

Steve, 29, works at the Chicago Museum of Science & Industry and is adorable to me. I want to make him some cocoa.

Simone, 32, is yet another freelance designer. In other news, her eyebrows are planning to eat her face at any moment.

Elisa, 42, is an "accidental" fashion designer. Also? She's batshit crazy.

Marion, 39, is a boutique owner. And, so far, almost mute and kinda creepy to me.

Ricky, 35, is a lingerie designer and an emotional powder keg. He cries in about the first 10 seconds of being on camera.

Sweet P, 46, is--wait for it--a freelance designer and apparently acquired her stupid nickname while she was part of an all-girl motorcycle club. I wonder if they also fought crime?

Vicktorya, 34, is--I know you won't believe this--a freelance designer. She must last a while, because we learn pretty much nothing else about her.

The first challenge required the contestants to create an outfit that expressed who they were as designers. This was our first chance to glimpse the special brand of crazy that Elisa is selling. She immediately took a piece of fabric (from the $50K worth stashed in two tents in Bryant Park), laid it on the grass and began actively working to get it stained, or as she put it, "imbuing it with a natural element". Yeah, that's what my one-year-old said tonight at dinner when he rubbed mac n' cheese in his hair. We were pretty excited.

Since this is already too long, let's skip to the runway show. As usual, I am reminded that I have no idea what "fashion" is all about. I don't care; I just love how Heidi says "Nina Garcia". It sounds like she's growling. As you might expect, Elisa's dress is a nightmare, and her model almost trips and falls on the god-awful fishtail train. Chris, Kevin, Sweet P, Jillian, Marion, Carmen and Kit are all passed along without incident. I will go on record as saying I don't understand Kit's patchwork-y design that juxtaposes two totally different patterns. And Jack made a dress that is a black and white print with blue trim. He's totally the Uli of this season!

Rami and Vicktorya made the coolest, sleekest dresses, while Ricky made, basically, a shiny nightie that almost gets him booted. What we're left with is Simone's sloppy-looking, poorly made dress with a mismatched jacket, Christian's plaid suit thingy that I detest, and Elisa's mess.

Rami wins (I was so relieved!) and--here's where I get lost--the judges actually like Christian's dress, which has shoulder pads and looks like Melanie Griffith may have worn it in "Working Girl", but what do I know? He is very happy with himself. I don't like him at all. It comes down to Simone and Eliza, and, since Elisa is insane, she's the obvious choice to stay. Bye, Simone! Go to the spa and get those brows dyed and shaped, stat!

The American Dream

We live in a great country, ya know? If I wasn't sure about this, it was confirmed this morning when I heard this approximately 2 minute message left on Jimmy Dean's customer complaint line recently. (Warning: there is some profanity on this that is in no way edited out if you have delicate sensibilities.) This man is extremely passionate about the portion size of his regular Jimmy Dean sausage, and he is furious that they have reduced their standard package size from 16 oz. down to 12 oz. Oh--and he is not interested in none of that there flavored sausage that is apparently for people from "The North". I just enjoyed listening to him describe the average size of a member of his five person household and explain that they eat "a couple dozen eggs" each morning with their sausage. Based on that, I'm not sure how splitting up an additional 4 oz. of sausage between these people is going to make a big impact. I'm also guessing now that this message is out there for the world to hear, a pharmaceutical company will be contacting them directly to shill for their cholesterol medication, because these people cannot be long for this world. Please to enjoy!

I Love Sally Field, and I Don't Care Who Knows It!

So, some of my guy friends, who think I'm such a cool chick because I like sports and movies like "Knocked Up" and "Superbad" may be distressed to see the title of this post. But I am not ashamed to admit that I love Sally Field. I cry every time I watch "Steel Magnolias" at the same exact frame of the movie (you know the spot, ladies, it's right after Shelby kicks the bucket and M'Lynn has to go pick up Jack Jr. at Aunt Fern's) and continue right on sobbing through her entire speech at the cemetery ("I can run all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't!") The woman specializes in wild swings of emotion and she's been rewarded for it many times; from Sybill, to Norma Rae to her most recent award for playing the fiercely devoted mother of five, Nora Walker, on the hit ABC family drama "Brothers & Sisters". I love this show, and Sally's just one reason why.

Who knew Calista Flockhart had it in her to play anything but the walking tick in a short skirt that was Ally McBeal? She's excellent as Kitty, the one conservative in a liberal family, while her sister Sarah is played to perfection by Rachel Griffiths. Rachel played the uber-dark and disturbed Brenda on "Six Feet Under", but here she is a driven career woman and mother who is currently going through a tough divorce. When she had to pack her kids off to their dad's for two weeks recently, she broke my heart. At this point, I have to remind myself that these people are not actually related, they are that good.

And the guys are as good, if not better...well, except Balthazar Getty, as eldest brother Tommy, but I have to blame the writers more than the acting. It seems like they liked the idea of having five kids, but then they forget Tommy periodically because they only really have stories for four kids going around the writers' room. His plots are the ones you can see coming a mile away, even the current adultery plot. Dave Annable, who was so good on the very disappointing "Reunion" a couple seasons back, is great (and such a babe!) as tormented drug addict Justin, who just returned from Iraq with a busted knee. And then there's Matthew Rhys, who has done most of his work in his native Britain, as gay brother Kevin, who is always good for a great one-liner when things get too tense. Not to mention, he plays the "funny gay guy" without being a stereotype; he's a far cry from "Just Jack". And, I'd be remiss if I left off the underrated Rob Lowe as Kitty's fiance and boss, Senator Robert McCallister. He's come a long way from Billy Hicks in "St. Elmo's Fire" and dancing with Snow White at the Oscars. Basically, if you're looking for a good relationship show to curl up with on Sunday nights, this is the one. Every episode has pathos and humor mixed in with the drama. If you're a crier like me though, you might need a box of tissues with you. You have been warned. In the meantime, "drink your juice Shelby, drink your juice." (I'm going to hell for that one.)

Monday TV Madness!!

I'm writing this without much time to spare, but I just wanted to say how excellent Monday night TV has become (until they run out of fresh eps, that is. Give the writers their 4 cents more per DVD and let's end this strike already!)

First, we have the fabulous "Heroes", which I could not recap with the excellence of either ANFTSJ or Television Without Pity, so I won't try. But, it's just great, and getting better leading up to the "fall finale".

Then, we have "Dancing With the Stars", which the aforementioned sites also cover awesomely, and is one of the most entertaining shows on TV. I love that my kids can watch it and enjoy it. Right now, I'm pulling for a big Mel B. and Helio Castroneves showdown in the finale. The third person in that race is an also-ran as far as I'm concerned. Jennie has improved a lot, but just doesn't quite have "it" and Marie, especially given all she's endured this season personally, deserves a big ol' gold star for trying, but she's just not up to the level of those around her at this point.

I don't know why more people don't watch "How I Met Your Mother", which is just a super-entertaining, if not always deep and meaninigful, traditional sitcom. I know we're all kind of over the laugh track, but it doesn't bother me much here. The acting is so winning and the ensemble so in sync, I just watch and smile.

Would you believe I have two more Monday shows still to watch in "Chuck" and "The Big Bang Theory" (which is getting better with each passing week)? Thankfully, for now, Tuesday is a dead zone for me, and I can catch up!

"Who Couldn't be Happy Growing Up in a World Without Failure?"

Well, I know I could, but that doesn't make it a good parenting practice. I've just finished watching this story from last night's 60 Minutes and I seriously want to puke. There is some dude in this story who has the audacity to blame Mr. Rogers for the attitudes of today's twenty-somethings who are to henceforth be referred to as "Millenials". Whatever. I watched Mr. Rogers and I don't possess the massive sense of entitlement these little snots do. I guess I'm officially a crotchety, old broad since I want to throttle both of the young men interviewed here, one of whom says he thinks bosses should make sure to heap praise on their workers, up to and including sending their Mommies notes saying what a great job they do. Maybe they can just pin them to their shirts, pat their heads and give them warm cookies & milk (wait, that last part would be kind of cool...) Let's get this straight: praising and rewarding employees who go above and beyond is a fine thing to do. Praising and fawning over people who simply do what they are paid to do is overkill.

I just don't get this mindset. Parts of it start out OK, such as valuing family and friends above work. I get that. But the bottom line is, if you have a job and you do it wrong, you don't get to stomp your feet and throw a tantrum about it, then quit. If you do this, and it results in, as is mentioned in the piece, you having four jobs in a year, it really doesn't matter how you try and spin it, it still just looks like you can't hold a job!

I really do understand not wanting to settle and trying to pursue your dream, who wouldn't? But these kids have absolutely no sense of reality, which I personally pray comes up and just smacks them in the face. You have to see the clips posted over at my friend Don's blog on this same topic. They are sure to amuse and frighten you, as they did me.

Who can we blame for all of this? Well, their parents, of course. And the schools. These kids experienced childhoods where there were no winners or losers and I'm guessing few got to experience the agony or the ecstasy of a good game of Dodgeball. I also blame the asshats that make up "Young Hollywood". There are more young people today who are looking for the fastest, easiest way to become rich and famous than ever before. Their goal is to do as little as possible for the most money and then do nothing at all. Why? Because all you have to do flip on an episode of The Hills or Keeping Up with The Kardashians to find your role models. Or better yet, just open a magazine to see the vapid likes of Paris, Britney (oh, Britney) and Lindsey. I absolutely weep for the future.

"What Happens in Scranton, Stays in Scranton"

Not that they're reading this, but just in case, thank you to all of those who posted videos to YouTube from the recent Office convention that took place in Scranton, PA, where the show is set. Those of you who know me, know that if you don't watch this show, I'll do everything in my power to convert you. I've been successful in several instances. It is one of the best shows ever, and the first for which I seriously considered attending a convention. I think if I lived closer to Scranton, I may have actually gone, even if a few of you told me that would make me a giant nerd.

And, based on some of these clips (i'm just posting one link to serve as a gateway, if you will), I was right, and it would have been, in a word, DAWESOME. Dammit! At least I can watch them.

Oh, and Ed Helms is adorable.

Wrong on So Many Levels

Sometimes things just fall into your lap, and the jokes, as they say, write themselves. So, I was actually on the CBS website looking for something from 60 Minutes that I wanted to blog about (and will, when I have a bit more time to do it), and I stumbled on this. It is only available on the web or your mobile phone, probably with good reason. This is the last you will see about it here, because someone at CBS would have to be high as a kite to think I would pay good money for a little cartoon version of Danny Bonaduce to screech at me from my cell phone and be my "life coach". What kind of rock would you have to have been living under for the last 30+ years to take advice from this man on how to live your life? I even met him once, when he was a morning jock here in Detroit. I was almost star struck for a sec, ya know, the whole Partridge Family thing, but he's a little tiny man who has so many issues...well, let's just say it explained a lot. I definitely admire him for droppin' Johnny Fairplay, someone far more repugnant than even he is, but I still don't understand how this thing ever got a green light of any kind.

Who Am I?

It is the evening of September 14, 1978. A five-year-old girl anxiously awaits the premiere of a new television program. She knows it’s just a contrived spin-off of "Happy Days" (by the way, show of hands if you think Chuck is in the trunk of an El Dorado somewhere in Burbank.) but she doesn’t care (about Chuck either, really) because it’s her show. It’s called "Mork and Mindy", which she takes as a shout-out despite its odd spelling (everyone knows it’s M-Y-N-D-I, geez!) Ever since that fateful night, she has tried her best to live up to her proud TV heritage. While she didn’t become an Oscar-winning recovering coke addict or marry Mark Harmon, she has forged a noble existence rooted in a love of the arts.

What is the point of this story? Well, in case you haven’t yet figured it out due to the clever third-person narration, I am that girl; once mesmerized by TV’s blue glow, now a jaded media buyer who takes great pleasure in ridiculing and overanalyzing the medium that still rules my life and pays my bills. It’s my job to know TV (and why I need a DVR that allows me to record 4 shows at once) and I want to share that knowledge with the world. Seriously, do you know many ten-year-olds that cut out the network program grid and highlight the shows they watch, then post it on a bulletin board? It’s a wonder I had any friends, really.

Sportscenter--Cleveland Rocks Edition

This post is for my dad, who has always (not so) secretly dreamed of his eldest daughter being a sportscaster. I even have a degree in broadcast journalism. But, I didn't end up going that route with my career, and I think Dad's always been a little bummed about that. I think he gets a little wistful for what might have been every time he sees Bonnie Bernstein on a sideline somewhere. So, Dad, here's my little riff on what it means to be a Cleveland sports fan these days. It's as stressful as ever.

It's been another one of those years for those of us who cheer for teams from the Northcoast. We were thrilled beyond words when the Cavs made what can only be called an improbable run to the NBA Championship this spring. And, we were brought back down to earth by the ass-whupping the Spurs put on King James, Z and the gang once they got there. Of course, absolutely no one expected them to even get there, so it was really OK. That is, until LeBron decided to publicly spit in the faces of those who pay his ginormous salary and buy his merchandise by wearing his Yankees cap to the first Indians playoff game against New York in October. Even when a woman went to the stadium team shop and bought him an Indians cap to replace it with, he politely but steadfastly refused to wear it. The outcry against this traitorous act was monumental. It remains to be seen if he'll ever be forgiven. My guess is that if the Cavs once again do well this NBA season, all will be, at the very least, forgotten.

Then there are those lovable Wahoos, who gave us all quite a memorable summer of two-out hits, Cy Young-caliber pitching and big wins. We were sure someone upstairs was rooting for the Tribe when those crazy midges attacked Yankees relief pitcher Jaba Chamberlain while barely touching the brilliant Fausto Carmona. Once we dispatched the Bronx Bombers and moved onto Boston, gaining a split in Fenway and ultimately going up 3-1 in the series, the city was chomping at the bit to get back to the Fall Classic. And then, in the spirit of The Drive, The Fumble, and The Shot, a new chapter was added to the annals of Cleveland sports history: The Collapse. The Indians did exactly that as the Red Sox offense was suddenly unstoppable and our stellar pitchers could no longer throw strikes. Game 7 was even close...until third base coach Joel Skinner made the split-second decision not to send Kenny Lofton, the man with the most stolen bases in post-season history, home on a Casey Blake single. That was the nail in the coffin of the 2007 baseball season in Cleveland. The air taken completely out of the Indians' sails, The Collapse was complete, and the Fox network was thrilled, make no mistake. Rupert Murdoch himself was probably having palpatations over the paltry ratings a Cleveland/Colorado World Series would have garnered. Well, like they used to say in Boston, there's always next year!

So, now, miracle of miracles, the Browns are actually competitive in the NFL at 5-3. We suddenly have a quarterback who can throw worth a damn and some big-name, big-money receivers who are catching the ball! Alot! I would be lying if I told you I had any thoughts of the Cleveland Browns being anywhere near the caliber of the Patriots or the Colts in the AFC, but considering the depths they've plumbed of late, competitive is fine with me. Besides, the Detroit Lions are 6-2 as of this posting, and if there were to ever be a Lions/Browns Superbowl, we'd all be dead the next day, and no one wants that!

The child who knew too much

So, much to my shock and dismay, there has been another flippin' toy recall.  This time, it's some kind of Curious George doll I'm glad I didn't buy or receive as a gift for my children.  Just the other day, there was a recall issued for a product called "Aquadots", which my 4-year-old, Hannah, had just recently given to her friend for her 5th birthday.  But wait-- the recall on this toy was not because it's got lead in it.  This toy apparently contains a chemical that, if ingested, could essentially work like the date rape drug.  Yes, that's right, my daughter gave my best friend's daughter roofies for her birthday!  Isn't that precious?

But, really, there is a silver lining to all of these recalls.  I'm so proud when Hannah is able to warn her 1-year-old brother Max not to play with (read: chew on) a tub toy because it was "made in China".  Just another heartwarming tale as we enter this holiday season!

It's an air-freshener...and a delicious beverage!

Apparently, the fine folks at Jones Soda think we're all pretty stupid--and maybe they're right. I mean, is there really a market for a soda that tastes like a Christmas tree? I admit, I'm Jewish, so maybe there's something here that I'm just not getting. Then again, I don't see the allure of drinking something made to taste like fried potatoes either and I love a good latke as much as the next person. Jelly Doughnuts and sugar plums, maybe. But, evidently, Mariners fans enjoy soda that tastes like sweat, so I give up. This is why I drink only water and coffee.

So, you kissed Jake Ryan...now what?!?!?

Recently, I was having a spirited debate with a friend over the movie "Some Kind of Wonderful". He said it was an example of when John Hughes really started to go south, and I got defensive--I still had misty water-colored memories of that last scene, wherein Keith gives Watts the earrings and she's crying while the awesome 80's version of "I Can't Help Falling in Love" kicks up on the soundtrack. They walk down the empty street, arm in arm, and SCENE.

This got me thinking, what do you think happened after the lights came up and those movies ended? Do you think that any of these would-be supercouples of 80's teen cinema would have lasted for five minutes after that Thompson Twins song ended? I mean, really, how many people meet THE ONE while they're still in high school? (OK, all three of you be quiet!)

So, let's take a look, shall we, at each of the seminal Hughes couples and see what might have been had there been a sequel.

Samantha Baker & Jake Ryan (Sixteen Candles): After Jake's second degree burns healed from falling face first into the lit birthday cake he leaned across to kiss Sam, the two were inseperable for the rest of the school year and summer. Then, Jake went off to the Ivy Leagues, while Sam started her junior year of high school. They tried the long distance thing for a while, but that didn't exactly work much after Jake's freshman year; you know, once he pledged a frat. So, the storybook romance ended, amidst allegations of cheating and many tears. Samantha eventually finished school and works in management at The Gap. Jake could have been on the fast track at his dad's law firm, but instead decided to build a log cabin in Wyoming, live off the land and build furniture.

Claire Standish & John Bender (The Breakfast Club): The minute he left detention that Saturday, John went to a local pawn shop and got $50 for the earring Claire gave him, and used it to buy more pot. He managed to talk her out of her cherished virginity later that night at Stubby's party (you know, he was Andy's friend whose parents were in Europe), citing it, once again, as a fabulous way to get back at her parents. He was also so smooth that he told her using a condom wouldn't work because he "couldn't feel anything". John and Claire still live in a trailer in Shermer, IL with their five delinquent children, whom John frequently burns with his cigarettes.

Andi Walsh & Blane McDonnagh (Pretty in Pink): After Andi retrieved her cute little purse from the puddle she dropped it in to kiss Blane ("That's a major appliance, that's not a name!") things went downhill quickly. You see, Andi realized that she was making out with a bug-eyed, floppy-haired tool who didn't have the balls to stand up to his parents and date someone who was--gasp!--poor. So, she went back into the prom and planted one on good old Phil "Duckie" Dale and the two made plans to move to New York after graduation. Andi now owns a successful clothing shop in Soho and Phil is an A&R rep with Sony. They have a little girl named Finola and two dogs. Blane works for his father, married some blonde with big boobs named Cookie and generally loathes himself.

Ferris Bueller & Sloane Peterson (Ferris Bueller's Day Off): Despite his legendary status in the Chicago suburbs, once Ferris got to college and was without his hot girlfriend and sidekick Cameron, he just became an average-looking smart aleck in a sweater vest. His ass-kissing schtick no longer worked on the college professors or his fellow students. And he didn't have his gullible parents to kick around either. Sloane looked in the mirror one day and realized she was way too hot for goofball Ferris and promptly moved on to the captain of the football team. He ended up playing for the New York Giants while Sloane took the New York real estate market by storm. They are happily married to this day. Ferris and Cameron attempted to parlay their fake phone calls into a comedy act, but The Jerky Boys already existed, and eventually caller ID did them in for good. The two share an apartment in L.A. and Cameron is still afraid of his father. Jeannie and the guy in the police station, on the other hand? Happily married for 15 years. She's a school psychologist and he's a drug rehab counselor.

Keith Nelson & Susan Watts (Some Kind of Wonderful): Now, see, this is the one that actually worked out! Keith went to art school (they eventually did take those earrings back so he could afford tuition) and Watts formed an all-girl band. Keith is now a renowned painter and Watts' band, Miss Amanda Jones, had three #1 singles before they broke up in 1993. She now writes poetry and is a full-time mom to their kids, Sierra and Jasper. The real Amanda Jones? Well, she ended up marrying the teacher who she sweet-talked out of making her serve her detention early in the film. They have three children.