It's All Happening...

I don't like to brag, but I'm kind of an entertainment insider. Being the media bigwig that I am, I get press releases and newsletters on a regular basis alerting me to what's new and hot in the biz. I hope none of you are too jealous. I can assure you that there's no reason to be. Especially when the press releases consist of information on the brand-new reality shows about to hit the airwaves, which confirm that there is a bottom of the barrel, and we've likely begun to scrape it:

SECRET TALENTS OF THE STARS, a bi-weekly celebrity talent show, will uncover some of the most fascinating and unique secret talents of your favorite film and television stars, whether it be singing, dancing, magic or even acrobatics. Celebrities will compete in a tournament-structured format to determine who has the best hidden talent. Each performance will include a lineup of professional judges to provide their point-of-view, but it's the viewers who get to vote for which celebrity impressed them the most. In the results show, viewers' votes determine which celebrity gets to keep showing off their talent and who must go home.

So, "All Star Gong Show" was taken? Also, note that it was not indicated if the "stars" being featured on the show are in any current movies or TV shows. Somehow I think that will be relevant.

GAME SHOW IN MY HEAD, a new half-hour series from executive producer Ashton Kutcher ("Punk'd," "Beauty and the Geek,"), is a hidden camera game show in which contestants wear an earpiece as they go about their life in the city. As instructed by the host back in the studio, if the contestants can perform crazy, outrageous and oftentimes embarrassing tasks in public, they can go home with big money. However, if they fail to perform one task, they'll lose all the money they earned thus far and go home empty-handed. It's all about how far the contestants are willing to go to win GAME SHOW IN MY HEAD.

So, the schtick of every second morning dj in America is now going to run on network TV? Great. That Kutcher is one lucky S.O.B., isn't he?

AMERICA'S TOP DOG (working title) is a new one hour-long series where "man’s best friend" can help its owner win big money! Owners and their pets—from "pageant dogs" to those dogs simply trained at home—will live together and battle it out in a dog competition that puts the dog’s relationship with the person who has raised and trained it to the test. In the end, only one team of loving owner and faithful dog will emerge the winner in this dog-eat-dog competition!

I'm sorry, "pageant dogs"? Like Jon Benet? And they're going to live together? Like the first couple seasons of Idol? Well, if Christopher Guest was involved, I might be excited, but since he's not, I'm just a wee bit horrified.

Those are all going to run on CBS. This last one will be on a network I didn't even know existed, which is saying alot, because I know everything:

Brady Bunch matriarch Florence Henderson has landed a new gig: host of The Florence Henderson Show on cable net Retirement Living. Debuting Thursday, Jan. 17 at 3 p.m. ET, The Florence Henderson Show will take you on a historical walk down memory lane in Hollywood with guest stars like Carol Burnett, Bob Newhart, Garry Marshall, Dom DeLuise, Shelley Berman, Betty Garrett, Jason Alexander, Bob Mackie, Judge Judy and Monty Hall.

Did you notice that it's on at 3 pm? Hee. Right before the early bird special starts! Really, Jason Alexander? Since when is George Costanza in the same conversation about old age as Betty Garrett, aka Edna Babish from Laverne & Shirley. Did he blow all the Seinfeld money somehow? What the hell? I assume the show's sponsors include Metmucil and The Rascal.

Seriously, writers and producers...I'M BEGGING YOU!